Sober. The Beginning.

As my Spotify list would say, 2023 Wrapped! 

December 2022; 

To “wrap up” though, I must go back to one of the worst days of my adult life, 18th December 2022, known usually as my Wife’s birthday. It’s early, or late, I don’t know, but I woke up in my own bed with the first thought being that was lucky, as I do not remember coming home. Images flash before my eyes of the night before. Esra is next to me, another good sign. Phone, keys, wallet, the necessities, are somewhere here too…I hope. I am hungover again. I am not supposed to be. The party the night before at a friend’s ended up out of control. I drank way too much, obviously, and carelessly. Why? Trying to fit in with this new group of friends most likely is my conclusion I will come to later today. They are drinkers. I thought I was too, but not like that. I left Esra at the party and headed out somewhere with one of the other guys in the group. My last memory is checking Esra was asleep in the spare room. Then I wake up next to her in our bed at home. My only other memory is walking along Yarra River near DFO. Why the fuck was I there? Esra wakes, plays me voicemails I left on her phone. I hang my head in shame. She is not angry but hurt. She doesn’t yell, though a tongue lashing was well deserved. A choice needs to be made right now, and I must give it my complete everything. 

 1 week later and it’s our newly established annual Christmas Eve party. Guests arrive and enjoy my 3-hour roasted Duck, Esra’s roasted lamb and chicken and Turkish dishes, finishing with my Jam Roll Trifle. Another successful party, everyone drank considerably and had a good time. Myself though, zero alcohol (though a considerable amount of Kirks Lemon Squash) making my first test a successful Pass by throwing myself literally in the deep end. I can do this now, suddenly it seems like an extremely easy road ahead, no longer a dooming mountain I could never climb. Esra is happy and supportive, congratulates me on a fantastic night for all. 

January 2023; 

Extremely sunburnt from Christmas day still, January continues. I have an app called EasyQuit to log my newfound sober life in. As I read more and more articles, it astounds me how poisonous alcohol can be to the human body and mind. The 18th of January comes around and I am 1 month sober. Excited. Happy. Clear. I notice already the difference in general wellbeing this change has made. Esra and I decide to book last minute tickets to Turkey to visit her family, her sister’s twins are turning 4 and we want to be there for it. My boss accepts without hesitation when I apply for 3 weeks leave. Esra has started a new business called Designed By Asya. Cotton Art using braided cotton in varieties of colours and styles. A separate post will go more in depth, but I am truly amazed at her talent. Her first market she sells out. This girl will impress me to the day I die. 

February 2023; 

Turkey is in the back end of winter. It is cold. So very fucking cold. On the plus side, I have now seen snow falling. It is truly a romantic feeling watching this light fluffy stuff fall from the sky around you. I am a child now. I am the first person to ever see snow falling and I need to tell everyone around me about it. I love snow. 3 weeks of it though, I wish to never see snow again. After the romantic side drifts away, it becomes super-annoying. Everything is wet all the time. Snow is ice, ice melts, now there is just mud over everything. Seeing it fall for the first time will be a forever cherished memory. The 18th of February is coming around and I am now 2 months sober. Esra and I sneak off for a weekend trip to Cappadocia to see the hot air balloons and mountain cities. Enjoyable but this is part of the coldest place in Turkey. Minus temperature during the day, double minus digits at night. Thermal underwear does nothing out here. It’s sad to say goodbye to my new family when the time comes. I am practically a local in Eskisehir now. I even find time to venture off on my own around town. I can see myself and Esra old and retired living back here. The plane ride home I watch Rocky Balboa, then Creed 1 and 2. Boxing never interested me. Violence in general never interested me. It does now. These guys are ripped as fuck. Not the unhealthy steroid abusing ripped you see in gyms or actors in movies, but solid hardened steel because they are weapons that need to be violent and resist violence. Sitting here on the plane I am wobbly and squishy in places I shouldn’t be for someone who works out weight lifting as much as I do. I feel ashamed of my doughy physique. Arriving back in Melbourne and my first visit it Rebel where I procure gloves. My gym has a boxing section. I gained the assistance of YouTube and the great Tony Jefferies to find out what I am supposed to do next. Never would I have imagined this. Day 1, I practice and find a new addiction, this is fantastic. Something so simple but so violently seductive. Every angry thought I have had, every bad memory, every wrong moment, what happened on 18th of December 2022 comes out and this hanging bag of leather and rags in front of me is not prepared enough. 

March to May 2023; 

Esra mum is sick. We receive very sad news and we put Esra on a place back to Turkey immediately with no return date set. She can stay as long as she needs to. Goods news comes, She recovers from surgery well, but Esra stays to help as long as possible. The 18th dates of March, April and May come and go. I am strong. Esra is not here, so I would have usually drunk a little more to deal with the sadness of being alone in previous years. Not now. I am Sober. Sober is me. To assist, I create plans for weekend drives around Victoria. I head off early every Saturday and Sunday, 4-5am as the run rises. Mostly mountain drives, Dandenong ranges etc. My Infiniti QX70S loves it. I have given up weights, the boxing section is all I care about now. I hone my skills better and better every day. A detail I have welcomed; Weightlifters have headphones on and do not communicate with anyone. Boxers openly talk to one another. I am gaining new friends within 4 weeks than I did 15 years of weightlifting. No one judges here. I am 20 years older than some of these kids, but they teach me better skills and more efficient methods of training. Everyone here enjoys their time together, not an angry face in sight. Boxing is the sweet science, and I know that now. 

June 2023; 

What. The. Actual. Fuck. The 6th of June, a Tuesday. I am supposed to be waking up at 6.30am and heading to work. Instead, I wake at 2am to the tapping sound of water. In my daze I think it is the shower. Wrong. At 2.30am I wake again, and it is louder and there are more tapping sounds. Oh no. I open the door. Thoughts are correct. The roof is leaking and the whole apartment is flooded. The beginning of what will be a tough winter. Thank goodness Esra is not here for this. I move to the boardroom at work and set up a mini apartment for an indefinite time. Repairs begin on the apartment. The cause was a cheap bunnings rubber hose connection from the mains to the toilet in an apartment above mine. 1 tiny hole in a $3 hose causes 2 million dollars’ worth of damage to 6 apartments. I should have a reason to drink now. June 18th is coming around. I am 6 months sober. I am winning and this will not stop me. 

July 2023; 

Esra comes home on 12th July. I am a defeated husband in a way. I have no home for my wife to come home to. I have a temporary mattress on a floor in a warehouse. How did I let this happen? I remind myself, and so does Esra, it is not my fault. We stay 1 night at work then head home to make the concreate slab livable. Carboard is laid down for insulation. We slowly move the necessities back in. The owner does not mind, as long as we are comfortable. July 18th comes, 7 months sober. What is alcohol? Never heard of it. I stopped shaving during this time, I have grown a strong beard. Esra likes it but makes me shave it off. She then regrets it and asks me to grow it back. Anything Esra wants from me she gets, no questions asked. 

August 2023; 

Living on concrete sucks, but the thought process is based on it could be worse. There are thousands of homeless people in Melbourne. Millions around the world. It could be much worse than this. 

Esra and I celebrate 5 years of marriage. Forever to go.

September 2023; 

Works being to rebuild the apartment. At last. We have flooring, a new roof, everything waterproofed and the final touch of carpet goes in. The smell of the new carpet is horrible. We celebrate by finding furniture on Facebook marketplace to go with Esra’s new Hampton style she loves, everything needs to be Beige and Oak. We splurged however and got a brand-new couch. Magpies make and win the AFL Grandfinal. We dress up for the parade and cover the apartment in Black and White. Suck it Lions. Back up the Hume Highway you go. A small taste of victory in what has been the worst and testing year for our relationship. 18th September comes and goes, 9 months Sober. 

October to November 2023; 

One of my dearest friends Grant is over in Turkey travelling with his wife. I live for his travel blogs. This new adventure makes me jealous and want to book tickets immediately. I realise it’s Autumn and winter around the corner, so no, I will wait till summer next year before going back to my 2nd home. No snow thanks. Instead of the Melbourne Cup long weekend in Melbourne we take a road trip to Adelaide. Oh, Adelaide, you are a truly beautiful Gem of Australia, and deserve much more recognition than given. We have a magical time there seeing Hahndorf, the CBD, Glenelg Beach, Henley Beach, Barossa Valley, the Dolphin Sanctuary and some places in between. It is such an easy place to get around, no one is in a rush to go anywhere here. Time is slow. Melbourne could learn something from Adelaide. Esra’s markets pick up heading to back end of the year. I love that she has a hobby more than anything. She is talented and taking her show and art to Markets lets others see that. They get to see her the same way I do. A beautiful person making beautiful things for people to enjoy. 

December 2023; 

I hear that the great Shane MacGowan leaves us. A true arsehole of person, renowned alcoholic and no teeth, but sung for one of the best Celtic Punk bands in existence, The Pogues. No beers in your Honor sir, but all the best on your next journey. Boxing is getting better and better. I have found to have an extremely powerful left straight and hook. I fight Southpaw, which is stupid, but comes more naturally than Orthodox. I change my practice to Orthodox sometimes but feel like I am going to fall over my feet. 

Not long till 18th December as I sit here to type this. 1 year sober is around the corner. I have won. I have been conversing with Grant about the last year and my newfound soberness. A small, compiled list I have about the experience is as follows; 

- Clear minded: My brain is processing new information a lot faster and more efficiently than I can remember. 

- Memory: while this blog is only brief of my experience this year, I can sit here and recount almost all 350+ days that have passed since December last year. 

- Skin: Facial Eczema cleared up and almost nonexistent now. 

- Sleep: I can sleep a full 8 hours with no need to get up in the middle of the night for the bathroom or just waking up for whatever reason 

- Stress Management and Focus: Unless pushed too far, my stress management is 100% better than before. Normal blood pressure aids this too most likely. I can focus on a conversation with anyone better than before with constant eye contact. Controlling situations due to my mind processing thoughts more effectively and efficiently is a big bonus. 

To end this entry I will make note that I am currently in the middle of some diet experiments. Mainly starting with finding 2 dieticians via YouTube, Dr. Eric Berg and Dr. Sten Ekberg. Starting from when Esra and I got back from Adelaide, there were 6 weeks before Christmas and NY break. Starting weight 97kg in XL size shirt and 36 pants. Goal weight 90kg. As I type this 4 weeks down, 2 weeks to go, I am 91.5kg in L size shirt and 34 pants. I am unbreakable in my goals I set for myself now. Separate blog to come about the lifestyle changes to do with diet, the health benefits I have found from Intermittent fasting and the Carnivore Diet, weight and boxing. 

2023. You were an absolute hard year to maneuver through and did whatever you could to break me. But I won. I will keep winning. 

 “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!” 

 ~ Rocky Balboa